309 days ago - 12th Feb 2012
I fill my mind with endless means, distract me from my self esteem. Crawling, hiding, pretending it's dead, I'm starting to escape the feeling of dread, pushing it further, away from the bed, the solice of places... The place in my head.
I'm losing track of what I feel, is this really happening? Is happiness real?
No it can't be! It wasn't foreseen! My pathways are blinded, I'm fucking the dream. Not meant to be, I can't accept this verification or justification as I can't, don't, and won't let it be.
I wish I was perfect, see for once I am now being a hypocrite to my own life of a once belief. That every interaction, even by a fraction, I would always be able communication a past hidden reflection, of memories relating to said affection. However it gets kind of demanding, and always miscontrued into some kind of self saddening. This burden of mine, my once praised survivor hood story.
If only I wasn't so tired of learning sometimes, this pre-occupational, global gatherings of journeys, never seem to get done. Round and round, I'm beginning to quieten. Keep at bay, my ability to expand my horizon. Suppressed thoughts and opinions, quenched, ridden and gone. Then sent to the spaceship, collection of data. Shot through the synthetic realm of my conscience, banished, good riddance to the voices & nonsense.
My reason behind this backwards down view expression, is to avoid the emotion of such self doubted confession. Of the outcome I allow to happen over and over again to myself. I hope to begin to learn the understanding of my visions & health: growth and incitement in a much quicker pace to enlightenment . Until then, the karma of past repeats as my spirit allows it. I yearn to be free and feel the relief of this repeating history. To the residence of karmic existence that could never forgive this, resist it, relinquish the twisted, knots from my system.. Better yet, to never have fucking existed.
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