Tuesday, 23 October 2012

How I feel



I was recently given a 30 day challenge to develop my weakest function of 'Feeling'. This is how I feel:

Today is my one year anniversary. Last night I got accused of cheating because my defensive attitude proved my guilt as I went to buy one of his presents. After 4 hours of emotional abuse, he finally admitted he was wrong but then ridiculed me for getting upset when he was questioning me my where abouts of two hours despite evidence I travelled to kelmscott and return with receipts for one of his present. Two LCD flatscreens for his studio. I went to sleep praying that would be the end of it.   

Today as it was our anniversary, I spent all day being nice, texting nice things, calling him and booking him for a haircut and he couldn't even say happy anniversary to me. He didn't even ask about all my medical appointments today. When I get home this afternoon he's sad and angry and won't tell me why and tells me to stick our booked dinner up my ass when I tell him he has no right to be upset if he can't explain why he's upset. We eventually get to dinner he booked and I tell him his last present he will get tomorrow, special speakers he wanted for his studio I'd arranged through his friend prior. He was speechless. But then I had to pay the $260 for the dinner he organised even though he had the money and was 'going to pay me back later' And when I ask as we're leaving if he got me anything, even a poem, as he said on the way there he had 3x surprises for me, one of them being a poem,  he gets angry at me for asking and when I quietly get upset in the restaurant about his response, he says I'm using it against him. A whole year of waiting for him to show he cares. Yet I'm sitting here crying in my room because he's yelling at me for being upset that he can't name one thing he's done today to show me that I mean anything to him except driving me in my own car to dinner. (He actually used that as evidence he made an effort) I even have my clock radio blaring to block out his yelling through the door which I've locked to avoide the torment. The insults, the name calling, the justification for his actions. Again its my fault, and I have no right to be upset so he continues to attack me. I can't do this anymore, what is wrong with me?

3 comments:

  1. Ive just read your blog post , and I am upset for you and feel for you .. I know how hard it is for us emotionally without putting up with other peoples emotions , even those we love ...

    But everything you wrote I would only expect them same things after a year together and I to would be very upset bye this ... I am sure we both along with others like us find that we put more emphasis on emotional events and expectations of others. Because we feel we do consider other peoples feelings far more than they do ours .....

    But Becky I know we have only ever know each other through FB and you know i think you are a wonderful person and you deserve a good life and to be cared about so please dont settle for anything else sending you a BIG (((HUG))) x x

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  2. I would have told him to fuck off

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